"Born into a country with one of the highest standards of living outside of Heaven, Christianity, with its message of hope in a broken and terrible world, has little effect on many American youth."
Christianity was not "born into a country with one of the highest standards of living outside of heaven." That is factually incorrect. Christianity was born into ancient Israel, a province of the Roman Empire at the time. Neither Israel nor the Roman Empire of Christ's days had the highest standards of living. Modern America holds that title, though some may argue this point.
If the intent of the sentence is to describe American youth as being born into a country with high living standards (ie America), then the sentence should be re-written to reflect that. As it currently stands, that descriptive phrase applies to Christianity, not to American youth.
For example, one might re-write is as follows:
"Born into a country with one of the highest standards of living outside of Heaven, many American youth are raised without Christian character education."
Or, perhaps something like this:
"In spite of the Protestant birthright of their national identity, many American youth are raised without Christian character education."
With that said, the essay is remarkably smooth and mature sounding for a high school student. Apart from my comments above, it is an excellent essay. I also like the art. Lovely winter scene with great conservative overtones!
"Born into a country with one of the highest standards of living outside of Heaven, many American youth are not attracted by Christianity's message of hope in a broken and terrible world."
wow, great essay!
This sentence needs to be rewritten.
"Born into a country with one of the highest standards of living outside of Heaven, Christianity, with its message of hope in a broken and terrible world, has little effect on many American youth."
Christianity was not "born into a country with one of the highest standards of living outside of heaven." That is factually incorrect. Christianity was born into ancient Israel, a province of the Roman Empire at the time. Neither Israel nor the Roman Empire of Christ's days had the highest standards of living. Modern America holds that title, though some may argue this point.
If the intent of the sentence is to describe American youth as being born into a country with high living standards (ie America), then the sentence should be re-written to reflect that. As it currently stands, that descriptive phrase applies to Christianity, not to American youth.
For example, one might re-write is as follows:
"Born into a country with one of the highest standards of living outside of Heaven, many American youth are raised without Christian character education."
Or, perhaps something like this:
"In spite of the Protestant birthright of their national identity, many American youth are raised without Christian character education."
With that said, the essay is remarkably smooth and mature sounding for a high school student. Apart from my comments above, it is an excellent essay. I also like the art. Lovely winter scene with great conservative overtones!
Another stab at re-writing that sentence ...
"Born into a country with one of the highest standards of living outside of Heaven, many American youth are not attracted by Christianity's message of hope in a broken and terrible world."
in fact, this might be one of the greatest essays ive ever read